On Friday I crumbled. Not just in my head. Not a few random tears. No. I literally crumbled. My body into a wall…in a corner…on the floor…crumbled. Tears full of hurt and anger and sadness. The wall was there. I slammed into it and I said, “I just can’t anymore.” And then. I crumbled.
As I sat sobbing in my studio with the door closed I wondered if anyone would hear me. Or could see me. Like really SEE me. I wondered if I ever really counted in the first place.
My body into a wall…in a corner…on the floor…crumbled.
Friday. It was my son’s 21st birthday. My manchild. My oldest. My only son. And as immensely proud as I am of this boy… I cannot fathom that he is 21. Where of the years gone? Where has my life gone? Have I made an impact on him? Is he really prepared for adulthood? Did I fail as a mother? Did I do…enough?
Am I being unreasonable? Is my thinking unclear? Possibly. I know I have not failed. I know it. He is an amazing human being. But I look at him AND his three sisters and I wonder if I’m doing okay. [Read more…] about That Friday I crumbled. But still. I rise.