Studio Jewel journey of a Jeweler

a journey into fashion decorating style and life with jeweler lisa lehmann

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Birthday. Celebration. College. Teenagers.

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I believe with all my heart that a birthday is monumental. I mean think about it. A trip around the sun. That’s HUGE. And should be celebrated. No matter what age.

My birthday is coming up. Two weeks from today. It also happens to be the day my girl goes to college. She’s ready. I’m ready. No I’m not. Yes I am. I think I’m ready. I will be ready.

This is hard.

She’s my oldest girl. Very much a first born, yet second in line to her brother by only 15 months. To “lose” two kids to college back to back is some sort of cruelty. You think it’s all fun and games having “almost Irish twins” until they leave you, one after the other. Last year when the “man child” left it created a void, an emptiness – he is my only son and I adore that boy. He gets me. We are very alike in many ways. But yet, I was so happy and excited to watch him leave, see him soar.

I feel the same about Anneke. Excited FOR her. She’s so ready to fly. But she will leave a gaping hole…in my heart…in this home. She kind of has a “large” personality. You KNOW when she’s in the room. You KNOW when she comes home. Shoot…we even know when she walks out the door! But…she also works with me. Exercises with me. Cooks with me. Talks TO me. Even sometimes finishes my sentences. She steals my clothes. And my makeup. She drives me crazy and leaves messes EVERYwhere. I will feel her leaving. And I will miss her. These are the moments you cannot prepare for. No books. No seminars. No manual. The gut wrenching moment when you have done all you can do and you just.let.go. It’s beautifully painful.

teenagers. letting go. sending them off to college ready to soar.

My two oldest “small people”

That being said. My birthday will not have the joyous feeling of celebration that it should! So. I have an idea. Last year I did something crazy. Really crazy. It was a true StudioJewel.com extravaganza. And I loved it. Giving back to you is what brings me great joy! Let’s do it again!

I am sending the details via my newsletter. But therein is the caveat. You need to actually GET my newsletter. Time to sign up if you haven’t already. Here is the link —–> CLICK ME <—— fairly painless. Need a button. I have one of those too.

Sign Up HERE

I’ll get you all the nitty gritty out to you in the next day or two. Thanks for celebrating with me. And while you’re at it. A hug or two won’t hurt. I’m pretty sure I’m going to need it.

Oh and just because I think this is a fairly awesome family photo Anneke took of all of us I thought you should see it. Our new TV show starts in the fall. Kidding. But seriously. Isn’t it a great image? We are not actually as cool as we look! LOL!

the lehmann family. teenagers. growing up. parenting. and letting go. there are no manuals for this.

lehmann 6

xoxoxoxo, lisa

When the darkness comes

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Darkness. Months ago I wrote to you about my families struggle. I told you about the hurt, the sadness, the darkness we were feeling. You stood by me. By us. I can never thank you enough.

And even though I am choosing to shy away from details. Even though each day I try to be positive and funny and upbeat. There is still a shadow lurking. Darkness.

Somedays are easier than others. Somedays I wonder why taking the high road is so difficult. Somedays it’s just too much.

And I those days, I can feel my depression. It’s crazy how it starts to well up and I can sense it wanting to invade my thoughts and ideas and cloud my vision. But I am a fighter and I have the tools. Somethings you do learn. For me…when the words start filling my head, rather than dwell on them, I need to write them down. Here is my jumble of darkness and hope. Thank YOU for journeying with me. I am more grateful than you will ever know….

xo, lisa

when the darkness of depression wants to settle in...___________________________________________________

I…. {when the darkness comes}

I wish

I was Smarter. Prettier. More Successful. Satisfied.

I wish I felt alive every day.

I wish I wasn’t so scared.

 

I want

I want to look in the mirror and smile.

I want to laugh joyously at the morning light.

I want to skip through the day with a heady giddiness at life.

 

If only

If only I could change my thoughts.

If only I could choose joy.

If only I could find the light inside of me.

 

I long

I long to truly feel. The sun on my skin. The wind in my hair.

I long to experience days full of laughter.

I long to shine.

 

I dream

I dream about carefree days.

I dream about watching the sun fade into the water.

I dream about a place where everyone smiles.

 

Yet

Yet here I am wishing.

Yet here I am wondering.

Yet here I am praying.

 

Somedays it would be easier to let the darkness in and dive into whatever might overcome me.

It would be easier to free fall into the abyss and let it swallow me.

To sink into the space of nothing that calls me by name.

 

But

But I know there is a light shining within me.

But I know there is a joy deep in my soul.

But I know there are celestial arms that carry me.

But I know I am never alone.

 

So I cling to the hope. I stand in the light. And take a step forward… for even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

the power of words and a journey of forgiveness

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Writing. I love words. I love the power of the written word. In the past I have used words to share my life experiences. Hoping and praying that my words might be used to encourage others who might be going through a similar journey. My desire is to be honest. Open. Raw. It has been my way of finding joy in the “after”. Looking back. Choosing joy. Finding forgiveness. And then, in turn, reaching out. Letting those who read know they are not alone in their struggles.

Many have shown appreciation for my words. Those who loved to read what I have shared. Those who found comfort within the parameters of sentence. I love that. I love knowing I have been used by God in someway to benefit others. It inspires me to keep writing as I feel led. To use words.

Now, my family has been hurled into another valley. We are struggling. We are truly discouraged. Incredibly hurt. Disappointed. There have been many tears. I have revealed little detail. This is our struggle. You don’t need to know the nitty-gritty. You don’t need to get pulled into our mess. But I also know not to keep quiet about how I feel. Because when you hold your breath and squeeze your eyes shut hoping it will disappear, it begins to gnaw on you from the inside out. It eats away and the root of bitterness begins to grow. It also does not allow those around you…those who DO care…to encourage you. To walk beside you. To hold your hand.

Funny. But it is in these times you really do find out who cares. Kind words from people I hardly know. People who “follow me”. Fans of my jewelry. People who noticed my posts are not as uplifting and positive as usual…and they worry and subsequently check in. People I really don’t know reaching out to offer an encouraging word, to say they are thinking of us or praying or sending good thoughts. My heart swells.

What is most hurtful? The ones who DON’T reach out. The people you thought you were truly close to. People you DO know. People you expect to check in. People who loved being a part of your life when it was happy and upbeat. But those people… those people have seemingly disappeared. Those people are whispering amongst each other. Whispers travel. And that rejection hurts the worst.

So I am trying. I’m trying not to be swallowed in negativity. I’m trying to see that this is all part of a bigger more divine plan. I’m trying to maintain my integrity – maintain my honor – maintain doing things the “right way” no matter how the other players play. I’m trying to rise above my depression and not let it find a finger grasp on my soul. And I’m trying not to allow the piece of me that recklessly loves other to shrivel up. Or worse? Be hardened. Because I know that will only hurt me. Forgiveness.

This is where my faith steps in. It HAS to. I think of Jesus on the cross saying “Father forgive them, they really don’t know what they’re doing.” And I know what I’m struggling with is only a tiny – minute – minuscule – very small piece of that kind of struggle. But who am I? Who am I to not forgive those who hurt me when I myself have mistreated and hurt others. I need to forgive. And only then will I be truly free. But forgiveness is hard.

Self discovery. It’s fascinating. And revealing. And sometimes painful. One thing I have discovered about me – Lisa Lehmann – is that I assume the best about people. I want to see the good. I want to think they will “do better”. I want to believe their moral compass will lead them to make the right choices. And then… I’m continually disappointed and let down. My expectations? Crushed.

Yet. I do not want to lose that part of me. I don’t want to bury it with disappointment. To be embittered.

I need to get back on track. I need to find a new ebb and flow. I need to do my job with the same passion I always have.

And we, as a family, need to decide what to do next. We need to decide what’s best for us…for our kids. Where do we go? Do we stay?

Most of all. I just want to trust Jesus. I have to.

I have to continue walking in faith knowing he has a plan for my family. I have to continue believing that he only wants what’s best for us. Maybe that seems naïve to some of you…and that’s okay. But for me?

It’s everything.

It’s what wakes me up in the morning. It’s what keeps me asleep at night. It’s what helps me take another step and another step and another step.

When everything gets stripped away, that is all I have left. And I don’t want to lose that piece. Because it is my eternity.

Forgive me for being raw. Maybe TOO honest. Maybe TOO transparent.

But I feel like I needed to empty my head to make room in my heart so that I can move on…take the next step…and be myself again.

We all have our personal struggles. Life is a journey of highs and lows.

But when all is said and done, I want to be the girl that comes through the low with grace and dignity.

And I want to be the girl that others can come to when they hit THEIR low and find open arms…ALWAYS. No matter who you are. I want to keep loving people. Period.

And that is my struggle. Finding love. Finding joy. Choosing forgiveness. And not letting others actions to define me. Because truly…I only want to be defined by One.

love you with all my heart.

lisa

forgiveness joy love

tomorrow is a new day

A letter to my mother in law

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To Shirley, my mother in law,

I realize we haven’t always seen eye to eye. We haven’t always gotten along.

In fact we had a very rough season of not speaking at all. And for that I am sorry. I’m sorry for being too proud. Too self centered. Too unable to see past my own hurt.

But this isn’t about that. You are my mother in law and……today is your sons…my husbands…birthday. And I want to thank you.

Thank you for carrying him for 9 months inside your body. I know he was your last baby…and I know sometimes they are the hardest on us physically especially when you have a toddler climbing at your feet.

Thank you for diaper changes and snuggles. For bottles and baby food. For watchful eyes and band aides. Thank you for loving him as only a mother can. Your baby. Your boy.

Thank you for helping him with his homework and for piano lessons.

Thank you for teaching him to serve his grandparents and through that learn to serve others.

Thank you for summers at Maranatha where you let him grow…and be…and work. Where he made lifelong friends and memories.

Thank you for teaching him about values and integrity. Because we all know, it wasn’t really Matt’s quarter! {{smile}}

But most of all…thank you for teaching him about Jesus.

Not just who He is, but how to love and serve Him with his whole life.

It is these values. This foundation. That has not just directed our marriage, but saved it. Thank you for the man of my dreams. The love of my life. 

I know how much sons mean to their mothers…I understand that bond. I can only imagine how hard it is to let go.

Thank you for letting go…for me.  

When I look at my own son, I wonder how any woman could EVER love him as much as I do. After all I made him! You must have felt the same way. And some day I will be HIS wife’s mother in law and I hope to do it well.

 In the time when our marriage was suffering you must have hurt, not just for us, but for him. I’m sorry.

But know…even though I will never love him as you do…he is my soul mate. My gift from above. And I love him. And mom, I promise to love him faithfully for all of my days.

So today I just want to say, happy BIRTH day. Thank you for everything. I love you.

~ lisa