I haven’t written much lately. Much of my story isn’t just mine to be told. So instead? Silence. Easier on everyone. I have struggled with what to write. Everything seemed too…fluffy.
What I CAN write about is what I have discovered about myself. Through years of struggling with insecurities. Wrestling with insignificance. Battling depression. I have learned more about being me. Myself. Living with who I am is not easy, but I am hoping for gentle acceptance even as I pen the words. Acceptance of me for me. Finding the best within myself. Learning to celebrate it. So, lest you think I’m writing this for you…don’t be disillusioned!
I am an artist. First and foremost.
I am an artist. First and foremost. Many say those words, and for them they are true. But being an artist and doing art is very different. In fact. I think you can be an artist without actually doing something within what others may think of as “the field of art”. BEING an artist is often more of a personality trait. My personality traits. And sometimes that can make me feel tormented. Emotional. Heavy. Wild of heart. Vibrant on some days. Melancholy on others. Seeing color in everything. And creative possibility in every corner. Feeling. Oh, so much feeling. And most importantly? Vastly misunderstood. This is not a complaint or a cry to be heard. It’s my reality. And if you are an artist, you understand. But sometimes. Often. It’s lonely.
I can’t say everything I think out loud. People might conclude I’m a bit crazy. Trust me. I FEEL a bit crazy. Vacillating between badass entrepreneur and balancing on the tight rope of life. Very few people know this about me. And even fewer understand. One even said that I am what poets feel and write about…tragic beauty as it were. That sounds incredible right? Not when you live it.
The self-talk battles in my head are deafening. Questioning everything. And everyone. Negative. Rarely encouraging. Enneagram 4. 100%.
But yet. Even though sometimes the downward swings of who I am can seem very very low. I am determined to rise from that melancholy state. That place of questioning everything in my life. Some days I fail. Other days I soar. It’s a process of overcoming. Knowing my weaknesses and calling them out. Shining light on the dark spaces with a fierce desire to walk in the light.
Some days I fail. Other days I soar. It’s a process of overcoming.
I tell you all this because I know I am not alone. If you see yourself in this step out of the corner. Chin up higher. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Pat yourself on the back. You are different. But guess what? Everyone is. Maybe we don’t fit in the crowd as easily as others. But that is why they call it a crowd. Everyone has hidden demons. Untold stories. Daily battles.
My days are filled with tragic beauty. High highs and low lows. Each day as I sip my coffee and look out over my backyard and see life exploding everywhere, I am so grateful. I GET to wake up and live in a world of creativity. I GET to do what I do. Maybe I’m not a master business woman or master goldsmith. Maybe my company will not be as large as I once thought. But what have I discovered? How much people mean to me. How much EACH piece of jewelry has significance and how much I care about where it finds its landing place. By having the opportunity to love people through my work I can find value in what I do. I can find significance in my life’s work. It’s moments of recognizing that that pull me from the low.
I GET to wake up and live in a world of creativity.
Does this make sense? Or are you sitting there with one eyebrow raised? I see you! And it’s ok. My challenge to you is acceptance. Not everyone is able to be as black and white as you. The one phrase I hear most often from my friends is “just let that stuff go”. The one thing I feel incapable of doing? Letting ANYthing go.
As I discover more of who I am my business model is changing a bit. I am doing less of what “I’m supposed to do” to grow, but more of what I WANT to do. I want more interaction with you. I want to make more of what excites me. Lisa Lehmann Designs is not what it used to be. Maybe changing my name to well…my name…made it much more mine.
As I write these final words the sun has slowly appeared creeping over the carpet of my office floor. A glimmer of light after so much rain. Significant? I’d like to think so. The dogs are sprawled on the floor each gently snoring. Peaceful. At rest. A candle burns on my desk with the faint scent of cinnamon. My coffee, cold in the cup, per usual. The birds are noisily feeding their babies just outside my window. My airplant spins in its twine as the ceiling fan stirs up a light breeze. This is my work environment. And I love it. This is a moment of a high point.
Thank you. For not only loving my work and supporting me as an artist…but for thinking of me as a friend. Because that is exactly how I think of you.
I’m Lisa. Artist. Maker. Dreamer. And you rock my world.